New Toys

I just got a new keyboard for my tablet computer.  Maybe now I will post more often since it no longer such a pain in the butt to type anything on my tablet!  Yeah!

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

New Phone

I got a new Samsung Galaxy S 3 yesterday.  I love it.  I have spent most of the day yesterday and today.  It has a ton of features I have yet to figure out, and right about now I am really missing my keyboard.
Fun fun.  Something to play with while waiting on doctors with Dad.

I'm better now. Thanks.

I just wanted to drop a quick post saying,  I'm doing a lot better now emotionally than I was in my last few entries.  Yay!

Nutella is evil.

Nutella is truly evil.

It is basically chocolate frosting.  There is no great redeeming nutritional value to it.   It only has 3 gm of protein in 2 tbsp.  You can eat many foods that are much better for you than that.

I am proud that through all of my obesity I never ate frosting with a spoon.  I ate peanut butter to no end, tortilla chips way too often and way too many of them.  But, there was that one typical fat girl thing I never did. 

I have not allowed myself to buy the Costco/Sam's Club size jar of peanut butter anymore.  I have not had the overwhelming desire to dig into a jar with a spoon.  There have been times at work that I ate too many individual serving containers.  All in all I feel like I have conquered the peanut butter demon in my life.  But, I have let in the Nutella monster. 

Now there is one more damn demon in my life I am going to have to exorcise.  Crap!

Let the exorcism begin.  Pray for me ya'll.  The spinning head and pea soup spitting will begin in three, two, one...

Becoming someone else

I am becoming someone else. 

I am changing myself from a couch potato into a runner.  Not as deep and  philosophical of a change as it might be, but still it seems like a pretty darn big change to me.

For my whole life I have been:
The chubby one.
The younger sister.
The silly/goofy one.
The blonde one.

I now want to be:
The fit one.
The one who runs races.
The nice one.
The friendly one.

I know life is not a competition,  and it about more than just the way you are perceived by other people.  But, that is how we judge ourselves most of the time.  I am this person because that is who people think I am.  If that is flattering than that is all the better, if it is not it can guide us to where we need to change.   I have never been very athletic.  My parents did a good job of involving me in sports and trying to keep me active while I was growing up.  They did well and my whole adolescence I don't think I ever surpassed pleasantly plump.  When I went out on my own however, I found myself without the external encouragement to keep myself active that I had grown up with and soon found myself with a BMI of obese.

While I have been able to successfully lose weight, and have been able to maintain most of the weight loss I achieved, I am in a position that is all to familiar to far too man women who have lost significant weight before.  I have gained some of it back.  It was a shock and a horror to realize that as of August of this year I was 50 pounds heavier than I was two years ago.  There are some excuses I could use to explain where that weight came from, life has not been a bed of roses these last two years.  But that is an excuse.  I don't want to keep making excuses for why I am not as good as I could be.  I just want to be good.

I am grateful that I have not had to walk the path that so many women have, and say I gained it all back plus some more.  But really, that is a small comfort to me right now.  Any significant gain after losing 90 pounds.  Well hell, it more than half the weight back on my body.  I did not go through the torture of losing that weight once just to keep putting myself right back there every few years.

So to that end I have lost 17 pounds so far, but I have hit a wall.  I haven't lost any significant amount of weight in the last month or greater (I can't bring myself to look at the numbers and see just how long it has been, but it has been long enough) and I am at a crossroads.

I could give up.  Be happy with myself just the way I am and try to maintain my weight right where it is (knowing that it will just creep slowly back up).  Or, I can press on.  I have not been very good at this in the past, went life gets tough, I get ice cream. 

But this is how change happens.  It is not pretty, or comfortable, or even enjoyable in the moment.  But,  if I can make it through this change and push through to the other side I get to see what happens next. 
Do I loose more weight?
Do I get in shape? 
Do I run for enjoyment and finally see what this runners high people talk about is really all about? 

Or do I go back to my good old reliable size 12 jeans, sit on the couch and bask in the familiar, the comfortable and the safe?

Change doesn't happen without discomfort, so here I am, basking in the sheer discomfort of it all.  I am trying to be someone else.

Second attempt at blogging

I made a post once where I asked myself if I should do this again.  In that wonderful post I decided that I would only post when I felt like it.  No longer would it be something I had to do, but if I felt like sharing a bit of myself again, this is where I would do it.  I say that was a wonderful post because thanks to the wonders of technology it is lost in cyber space where you will never see it to know if it was a wonderful post or not.
Now I finally feel like posting again.  I don't have anything particularly wonderful to say.  I just kind of feel like typing.
That is a weird feeling I know, but there it is.
I just finished cleaning up the house and am now waiting for the kids to come over for our bi-weekly visit.  Let me just say this once again, as I am sure all of you who know me well can attest - I hate housework!  I mean really sincerely and with no reservations despise it.  I have never felt this much hatred for anything as I do for housework.  I should like it, being a person that thrives on instant gratification.  I love mowing the lawn because what was long and messy is instantly short and nice looking.  It should be the same with say cleaning the bathroom.  What was once grimy and disgusting is now clean and sparkling, but what are you going to do with that nice clean bathroom.  That is right, piss and poop all over it.  So what is the point right?  The same is true of the living room, it is going to get lived in, so why erase all signs that is has been lived in up until that point.
I must admit though I do feel differently about cleaning the kitchen, that is a necessity.  If you are going to even warm up a plate of food you have to have some surface space to prepare the food for the microwave.  It is infinitely better if that space is not covered with last night's dinner.  Also, as I have aged I have discovered that it truly is more pleasurable to climb into a nicely made bed than a sloppy one.  Does that mean I have started making my bed every morning? Hell no.  Most of the time there is still a large snoring man in it when I get up.  Once I am up I have no desire to revisit the bed just in case I become overwhelmed by the desire to crawl under the covers again.  Sometimes I will straighten up the bed right before I crawl into it, but seems like cheating.
I guess the main reason I really do not like working on the inside of my house as the outside is that no one else will see it besides me and the before mentioned snoring man.  So I guess I am kind of an exhibitionist in that regard.  Why work on something that will get you no recognition or praise?  I have finally started asking my man how the house looks when I am done cleaning it to get the small amount of praise that comes with that, and it does help, but it feels kind of shallow.
OK enough already, time for lunch.  Catch ya later

Testing

Does this work?